"It's unfair~"

I'm so hopelessly in love.

... and it's never gonna work.

... which is why it tears away at me.

"Climbers of Ice"

Sempai is torturing me. ;_;

"If I had a heart of gold, you'd hack at it with a pick axe."

Well lookey here. Less than an hour after last times post, I'm already making another one.

I've decided, this will be a slightly secret, place for me to say things that.... yeah, I'd might not be comfortible saying on LJ. Well, with friends only posts, and filtering, I could really be really selective there, but I figure that's a bit much sometimes. It feels (and is) that I'm specifically excluding exact people from reading what I write, rather than general groups. I figure, if you stumble across here, then you're likely qualified to hear what I have to say.

I feel these days, I have no one really to talk to. Before we deem that comment the BS comment of the year, let me explain, that while yes, I have friends that would likely listen to almost anything I have to talk about, I have this sorta sense of what I think annoys them or not.

It just ends up that there are topics that almost no one really wants to hear about. I bet they would hear about them, but they wouldn't be particularly happy to hear about them. In other words, it'd annoy them.

I end up just second guessing all my friends at what annoys them to hear about, and what doesn't. I have things I could talk about for near forever, and I don't think any of my friends deserve that kind of torture to have to hear me talk about like that. So really, suddenly, the things I really really want to talk about and get off my chest, I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about.

Patience is a limited resource. I don't intend to abuse it on any of my friends. Even at the expense of how I feel, I'd rather go mad than abuse my friend's good will.

Regurgitating something I said on LJ, I've reached a point where I'm too afraid to open up to anyone anymore. It's painful to do so one way or another, and some of the times that I have done it, the betrayal of trust that followed hurt way... way... too much.

Though... I guess this is an invitation.

"Sophomore blues"

I really don't know how inspired I feel to actually do anything on this blog. I have an LJ y'know, and it feels rather redundant if I repost everything from LJ to here (hell, I already do that on Facebook). My LJ hasn't been really lacking in anything that makes me want to start fresh here. Besides, I'm paying for that nowadays.

Ok. Perhaps I see some usage for this. Maybe as material I'd maybe rather not everyone else see. Or at least be able to see conveniently. Unless someone wants to actually RSS feed my blog, consider this blog maybe directed towards a slightly different crowd.

Or... not.

Anyways, today, I was sick. Kind of. I fluctuated from fairly happy and amused to horribly depressed in random intervals last night. It ended with me crying to sleep, something that I haven't done in a while.

My schedule is really irritating. I wonder, how did I ever used to go through High School and it's 7 hour days? Perhaps it was all in the atmosphere and variety of classes. Y'see. So far, as much as I can tell, all art classes are pretty closely knit in mind, which makes it pretty much feel like you're taking one huge long class each day. Ok. Not each day. Only Mondays and Wednesdays are 7 hour long. But still, I can't really stand it anymore. Not art at least.

I've become a fairly bitter individual over the last few years. Deep down, I'm a cynical bitter old man.

So far, I'm the only member of the direct family that's ever really tried persuing art. Everyone else seems to be persuing something somewhat more pratical and profitible (Dad's a rocket scientist, or at least at that level), and well, I dunno. I can't really look to my parents for help (not that I ever really did on an academic level), and my sisters can only provide me with experience and opinions. I'm going in a path that no one in my family has ever even tried.

I keep derailing. Ugh.

Things from the past haunt me. The still haunt me, and they will continue to haunt me until I finally work up to power to settle them. I guess you could say these things from the past were a major source for lots of my work last year in AFO. Things have slightly changed since then, and I'm in a state of horrible confusion and crap and stuff.

I have so many things I want to express through art and stuff right now. But this stupid program has given me so few... real chances to do so. I guess I won't really get much of a chance till I've really proven myself, aka, graduated... huh?

Then again, I hate it when I end up complaining too much. Really, I'm an extremely fortunate individual. I'm at least IN a college, and my place is mindblowingly nice, and in probably the most convenient spot on campus you could ever be in. Like, on ALL of campus, out of tens of thousands of students, I'm probably in like, the best spot you could ever be in. I'm at least thankful for that.

But I get lonely sometimes. Everyone I'd want to hang out with is busy or elsewhere, so I just sit at home alone.

Have I also mentioned that I'm a huge impulse shopper? I need to stay away from Kroger, cause once I enter, I likely will not leave without being around $30 poorer.

Well... I'm trying to eat better at least. I count calories like a mad man, cause I'm terribly overweight (at least according to my BMI). I could seriously, afford to lose 40 lbs.

Bleh. I'm starting to run out of material. Well, not really, but it's all starting to go all over the place. I'll think about how often I want to update this. I'm far too attached to my LJ to leave it for good, or even make it my secondary. THIS is the secondary.

Geh. That's it for now.